ST.BREAKING: Gavin Newsom Trolls Trump With a Fake “Physical Exam” Declaring Him the Healthiest Human in All of Recorded History
In a perfectly executed piece of political satire, California Governor Gavin Newsom just delivered one of the funniest — and sharpest — jabs of the year at former President Donald Trump. As questions swirl around Trump’s recent MRI scan and increasingly bizarre health claims, Newsom’s team released a parody “medical report” so over-the-top it instantly went viral.
The faux report, posted by Newsom’s Press Office on X, opens with the tone of a serious medical update before spiraling into comedic gold:
“Governor Newsom remains the healthiest human currently alive or recorded in medical history.”
And the punchlines only escalate from there.
The report attributes these miraculous findings to none other than Dr. Dolittle, the fictional animal-whispering physician — a direct jab at the cartoonish nature of Trump’s own health claims over the years. According to the mock assessment, Newsom’s cardiovascular scans were “the best ever recorded,” with arteries “shimmering,” and a heart rate so steady that the EKG machine allegedly asked whether he was “meditating or just naturally enlightened.”
His musculoskeletal health? Apparently unmatched.
Radiologists supposedly wondered whether his bones belonged not to a human but to a California redwood.
His neurological imaging? “No issues,” aside from an “unusually active region associated with intelligence, multitasking, and being wildly productive before sunrise.”
Then came the inevitable comparison to Trump — and this is where the satire landed its hardest blows.
“While we do not typically comment on the health of other elected officials,” the statement reads, “we are aware of a letter released today claiming that President Trump is in ‘excellent health.’ We’ll simply note that Governor Newsom completes full workdays without falling asleep in meetings, does not require ‘executive time’ to lie down and watch TV during work hours, and is able to stand upright without looking like the leaning Tower of Pisa.”
The report even recommended redacting any side-by-side health chart for Trump’s “emotional well-being.”
It concluded with a signature from “Dr. This Is A Joke,” just in case anyone missed the point.
The timing of Newsom’s satire was surgical. Trump has faced mounting scrutiny over why he underwent a chest MRI — a procedure not typically done unless there are concerning symptoms. His physician insisted everything was “perfectly normal,” while also maintaining the extraordinary claim that the 79-year-old, visibly overweight former president is in “excellent overall health.”
Notably absent from the real report: any mention of Trump’s increasingly obvious cognitive decline.
So yes — if anyone genuinely believes Trump is “the picture of health,” as his doctor suggests, then, as the article jokes, “we’ve got a bridge to sell you.”
Newsom’s parody wasn’t just humor. It was political precision — using satire to underline a very real question:
Why does Trump keep needing medical reassurances that don’t quite match reality?
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