Jason and I had such a good night last night. The kind that felt normal. The kind that felt like us before all of this. And that scares me more than anything… because my mind instantly goes to, “God gave us that because something hard is coming.”
And I hate that my brain even thinks like that now.
Will has been complaining about lower back pain. I kept telling myself it could be from his prosthetic… from pushing himself like he does and not using his crutches.
But then my mom told me he was restless all night.
Couldn’t get comfortable.
Up and down. And then right before lunch today… my phone rang.
It was Will and he asked me if he could take an oxycodone.
He has not asked for that since December back when the pain in his legs got so bad we ended up in the hospital. Back when it didn’t even help the pain because his pain back then was inflammation and it just knocked him out. It was not tumor pain.
I will never forget him telling me he didn’t want to take it because he didn’t want to sleep away what time he had left.
So when he asked me today…
It knocked the wind out of me and I’m hoping secretly it doesn’t help because that will mean it’s inflammation and not tumors.
Tumor markers going up. Pain waking him up at night And now asking for pain medicine he was once scared to take.
My knees literally gave out. I dropped and just cried and I’m sure looked like a fool to anyone that had no idea. I just sat down on a sidewalk and tears streamed because a mama just knows And I don’t want to know.
I have done EVERYTHING I know to do.
Every treatment.
Every prayer.
Every supplement.
Every food change.
Even trying to take away sugar from Will who just wants to be a kid and eat what he loves.
I have fought this with everything in me.
And still… here we are.
And now I’m sitting here asking God…
Are you preparing my heart?
Was last night a gift?
A breath before something harder?
Or am I just so deep in fear that I can’t even recognize peace when you give it to me?
I don’t have some pretty ending to tie this up.
I’m just a mama. I’m scared,tired,and begging God to please not take my child.
If you pray…
please say Will’s name today and whenever you think of us Because we need it.
